First - Enter a hospital conference room with your beautiful wife and find a fake taking-care-of-baby station, fully equipped with a fake baby. Immediately look around to compare your pre-fatherness with that of the pre-fathers (look for signs of weakness or over-confidence to bolster your own ego).
Next - Notice how far along each expecting mother is, and quietly turn to your expecting wife and say, "You look so much better than they do, seriously."
Then - Take your fake baby carefully by their hard rubber back, supporting their tender hard rubber neck with your hands to prevent the head from dislodging itself from the neck stump. Carefully wrap your fake baby with a towel and hold on tight so that your fake baby doesn't fall and bounce hard a couple times on the floor.
Next - Dip the soft sponge-brush thing in warm water and very gently wash the fake-hair creases and crevices molded into the fake head of your fake baby. Continue to wash the face and neck of your baby. Take care not to drip water into the plastic eyes of your fake baby. Water on fake eye balls resting in stretched eye slits may cause mold or irritation from the Nurse Practitioner who would then have to dip the fake baby in a vat of rubbing alcohol.
Finally - Once thoroughly cleaned and dried, take a look around at all of the pre-parents and compare their fake babies with yours. Which baby now glimmers the most under the gleaming white hospital lights? Which parents are most proud of their new found cleaning skills? Which parents look as if they are most likely to seek fake adoption?
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